1
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Ace Of Spades
2
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:57,999
If you like to gamble
3
00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,638
I tell you, I'm your man
4
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,153
You win some, lose some
5
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,196
Is's all the same to me
6
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,479
The pleasure is to play
7
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It makes no difference what you say
8
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,031
I don't share your greed
9
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,793
The only card I need is the Ace of Spades
10
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,108
The Ace of Spades
11
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,558
Playing for the high one
12
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:28,914
Dancing with the devil
13
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,877
Going with the flow
14
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,916
Is's all a game to me
15
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:40,513
Seven or eleven
16
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,716
Snake eyes watching you
17
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:46,799
Double up or quit
18
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,075
Double stake or split
19
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:52,038
The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades
20
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,351
You know I'm born to lose
21
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,237
And gambling's for fools
22
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:03,878
But that's the way I like it, baby
23
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,916
I don't want to live forever
24
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,156
And don't forget the Joker
25
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,797
Pushing up the ante...
26
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,518
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
27
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,874
Read 'em and weep
28
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,712
The dead man's hand again
29
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,118
I see it in your eyes
30
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,872
Take one look and die
31
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The only thing you see
32
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You know it's gonna be
33
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:04,595
The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades
34
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,630
I'm going to the toilet.
35
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,676
See you next Tuesday, then.
36
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,991
Oh, it's a great feeling, Dave,
when your wife fuck s off and leaves you.
37
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:55,559
Is's like a dream come true.
38
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,676
My life now is one big fanny festival.
39
00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,355
I don't care if they're black,
white, yellow or purple. I'd shag anyone.
40
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,556
Purple? Who's purple?
41
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,437
Martians?
42
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,431
- They're green!
- Are they?
43
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,795
- Would you shag a Martian?
- Yeah. Would you?
44
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:13,555
Might as well, I can't remember
t'last time I shagged a human being.
45
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,436
Good Karma
46
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,034
Have you heard this -
this...fucking sandwich he's got? Tell him.
47
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,759
Well, Linda used to put strawberry
jam on her twat.
48
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,478
So I'd lick her out.
49
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:41,472
- Blimey!
- Listen to this, Ferris.
50
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:45,269
Now I'm just addicted to the taste.
Fanny juice and strawberries.
51
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:49,829
He's got fucking strawberry jam
and fish paste sandwiches.
52
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,751
Fucking hell, Tolly.
53
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,910
Is's the nearest I can get to the flavour.
54
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,230
Go on, have a bite. Is's fucking horrible.
55
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:57,673
No, thank s.
56
00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:58,795
Try it.
57
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:02,429
Tolly, I ain't eating a sandwich
that tastes like Linda's twat.
58
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,954
It really doesn't, though.
And that's the problem.
59
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,837
Can't quite get the flavour right.
60
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,435
Erm...Kings Heath, you know, paint factory.
61
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:14,718
That's them. And Lozells Road.
You know about that, don't you?
62
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,074
You've already give 'em us.
63
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,357
Have I? Must've done. Sorry. It
was a late night.
64
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,670
Were you up all night watching porn channels?
65
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,354
No, I went round to see Ruth at her flat.
66
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,955
Drank a lot of wine, played chess,
talked about book s all night.
67
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,792
You know what it's like.
68
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,918
Anyway, you've er...
you've got the things, so er...
69
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,039
Yeah.
70
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,592
Good stuff.
71
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,398
I went out this bird once, right.
72
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,959
She used to lick my arse.
73
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,793
Like, stick her tongue...right up my arse.
74
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,235
Which is great, but then she'd try
and snog me.
75
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,437
Which is like...fucking...
swings and roundabouts, that is.
76
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,192
You can't fucking win.
77
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,714
I'd hate to think what she has
in her sandwiches.
78
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,316
Shit, probably.
79
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:24,430
How's my favourite
son-in-law?
80
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:28,672
You know what it's like, Joan,
when you've got all your fingers in a big pie.
81
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,954
I can't find my bag.
Have you seen my bag?
82
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,112
God, Joan, where's your jumper?
83
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,077
In the kitchen.
84
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:42,598
You look nice.
85
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,754
Why don't you pull your trousers down?
86
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,958
Er...
87
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,713
- Do you want me to help you?
- No, no. I can manage.
88
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,950
That's a very lengthy type of sausage.
89
00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,398
Yeah.
90
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,072
Don't get many complaints.
91
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,355
You krow about my bad knees and
my arthesis.
92
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,716
I'm on steroids and that.
Why don't I just plonk myself on the table?
93
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,677
Yeah, that could work.
94
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,719
My mother-in-law gave me a blow
job last night.
95
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,633
Mine gave me a fishing rod once.
96
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,474
At the end she wiped herself down
with toilet paper and put it in the ashtray.
97
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,109
And then I was trying to have a
fag and that was the worst bit.
98
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:45,636
You know, flicking the ash onto
the wet toilet paper.
99
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,992
She's 50, you know, Joan.
100
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,150
I've never seen varicose veins that big.
101
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:53,638
Is's a tricky one, that, Ferris.
102
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,871
You don't want to upset her or
you'll have nowhere to live.
103
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,872
I can't afford to move out.
Is's going to keep on happening.
104
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,758
Well, there's only way out of that situation.
105
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,353
What's that?
106
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,830
I don't know. I'm just saying.
There's probably only one way out of it.
107
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,876
But I don't know what it is.
108
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,912
I don't pay any rent.
109
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,231
Free food, you know. No bills.
I'm laughing, really.
110
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:19,993
But I can't go on living with my
mother-in-law for ever.
111
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,638
If I was still married, then...
112
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,996
Well, I am still married legally,
but...you know what I mean.
113
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,196
At least you're getting blow jobs!
114
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,555
Two years ago was last before I
had off Vicky
115
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,958
I don't know what I've done wrong.
116
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,951
I'm scared to go home these days.
117
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:37,191
If I wasn't so lazy, I'd become a
workaholic.
118
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,277
- Is's the potato men.
- Hiya, Phil.
119
00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,271
- How's it going?
- Not bad, not bad.
120
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,112
Still working for Stan?
121
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,349
No.
122
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,590
There's a few things in the pipeline, though.
123
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:08,514
And I'm thinking of setting up a
market stall selling broken biscuits.
124
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,160
- Is's all happening, then.
- Yeah.
125
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,151
So er...you still scared of wasps?
126
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,549
He's frightened to death of wasps.
127
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,757
I'm not scared of 'em.
If they fucking sting you, you know about it.
128
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:23,515
I bought this candy floss once, right.
About ten fucking wasps attacked it.
129
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,556
I'm like, "Fuck off, out of it."
130
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,316
Just got all tangled up in it.
131
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,356
Couldn't eat it.
132
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,749
Fucking wasps - cunts.
133
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,353
A wasp sting can kill you.
134
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,873
- That's right.
- No, it's not.
135
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,678
It is. Is's well-known, wasp sting.
136
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,558
They can trigger, you know, death in a person.
137
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,677
Yeah, but if you didn't have
wasps, you wouldn't have honey, so...
138
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,432
No, that's bees. Bees make honey.
139
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,751
Well, same thing.
Little fucking stripy jumpers on.
140
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,114
Fuck 'em!
141
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,156
Bees make honey? Since when?
142
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,196
Are you fucking serious?
143
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,589
Bees and wasps, they invented honey.
144
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,750
That's how they became
famous
145
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,078
Actually, it's just honey bees that make honey.
146
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:07,839
Honey bees! On jars of honey,
there's always pictures of bees.
147
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:09,990
Yeah I know I thought.
148
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,719
I thought honey was just treacle with bees in it.
149
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,119
You what?
150
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,909
Don't they just mix a few bees up
in the treacle? Flavour it up a bit? I don't know.
151
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,197
- Fucking hell, you don't eat bees.
- How do bees make honey, then?
152
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,673
Phil.
153
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,836
They eat flowers, I think.
154
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:36,870
And something to do with eating
the flowers produces a honey effect when they spit it out.
155
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,474
All insects make sweet substances.
156
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,596
Bees make honey and ants make sugar.
157
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:44,433
- Do they fuck!
- They fucking do, don't they, Phil?
158
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:47,196
No.
159
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,916
I thought they did.
160
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,435
Why didn't you pick Katie up from my mum's?
161
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,078
Was I meant to?
162
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,752
You smell like a pub.
163
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,389
Yeah, well, it just gets in your
clothes, the smoke and the beer smell.
164
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,714
Did you put that flannel on the telly?
165
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,315
I had a dirty face and erm...
I don't know how it got there.
166
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,834
I'm running round after a child all day.
167
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,956
I'm not running round after you as well.
168
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,874
You're the one who wanted a kid.
And now you've got one, it's like it's my fault.
169
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,793
I wanted a family. And this isn't a family.
170
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,189
Because...you're a fucking idiot.
171
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:29,510
Look, I don't even know what I'm arguing about.
172
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,192
It's very basic Dave.
173
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:33,316
Is's about being in the house now and again.
174
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,868
Being a proper dad. What's wrong with you?
175
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,269
You know, we're just going round in circles here.
176
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:40,874
- You're not behaving like a human being.
- No I know.
177
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,110
But who does? You've got to be realistic.
178
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,316
You might think this is normal, but I don't.
179
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,073
And I'm not going to carry on living like this.
180
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,276
If I was a monkey, a male monkey,
181
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,715
I wouldn't even be here having this argument.
182
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,552
I'd be down the pub, getting drunk...
183
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,518
- ..shagging loads of female monkeys.
184
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,195
That's a natural state of affairs
for a male in any species.
185
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:05,829
This situation here, it's a relatively modern one.
186
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,275
And goes totally against nature.
187
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,430
I'm telling you, society's under a
lot of strain right now.
188
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:15,913
Dave?
189
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,549
I can't go on any more with this.
You'll have to get out of here.
190
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,311
Twelve months ago today, I met Ruth.
Is's our anniversary.
191
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,152
She's probably forgot, but...
192
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:30,357
I'm going to take her out for a
nice, expensive, slap-up meal.
193
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,237
Champagne, you know.
194
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,072
Starters. Puddings.
195
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,391
Linda never remembered our wedding
anniversary. Or my birthday.
196
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,118
I think it was the heroin.
197
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,555
Is's hard to keep the romance in a relationship.
198
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,915
Men like you and me, Tolly, we're
a dying breed.
199
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,956
I used to put strawberry jam on her twat.
200
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,953
Yeah. Dying breed, Tolly, dying breed.
201
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,036
Ruth?
202
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,997
- Oh.
- You look lovely. Your hair...
203
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,593
Sorry, what did you want?
204
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,318
I got you these.
205
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:18,234
Don't take this the wrong way.
If you don't leave me alone, I will call the police.
206
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,389
Why?
207
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,711
- For the last time Jeremy, go away!
- All couples have arguments.
208
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,711
We are not a couple any more.
209
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,918
How can you go from being...really
liking me to not wanting to see me? I don't get it.
210
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,992
To be honest, I didn't like you
that much at any point, so...
211
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,310
You've got a new boyfriend, haven't you?
212
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,356
Just tell me.
213
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,949
I'm going to walk away. Leave me alone.
214
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,396
- I'll always love you, Ruth.
- Fuck off!
215
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,232
- Give us a ring.
- Fuck off, Jeremy!
216
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,993
Any time. I like your outfit, by the way.
217
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,036
It look s really nice on you.
218
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,997
Women, eh?
219
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,036
Flower Duet from Lakme
220
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,157
Like a leaf falling
from a tree I fell for you.
221
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,549
Gradual. Then suddenly.
222
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,471
My insides melt.
223
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:11,111
Your eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth.
Everything leading to now.
224
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,634
In the lake my shattered reflection.
225
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,756
The mirror pieces of heartbreak
226
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,717
Be still then passion.
227
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,193
She has turned away like the winter.
228
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,430
My inberrating love
229
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:27,513
As it warms the clear shafts of
sunlight penetrate
230
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:32,515
your moist fanny with my stiff
meaty love-rocket
231
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,589
Fucking bitch!
232
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,433
Like I say you can stay
here as long as you like.
233
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,272
Yeah cheers Tol
234
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,158
Sad, you know, when you've been
with someone a long time.
235
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,710
Well, she should have thought of
that before she nagged me to death.
236
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,633
I'm a youg man. I'm only 31 , 32.
237
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,472
I don't need it. You know what I mean?
238
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,074
I still ain't got over, you know,
when Linda left me.
239
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,832
You know what my first thought was?
240
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,309
"Great, I can shag loads of birds now."
241
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,630
But, like, my second thought was, "Who?"
242
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:08,997
Who can I shag? Who exactly am I
going to be shagging?
243
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,548
All kinds of thoughts go racing
through your mind.
244
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,108
Linda was shagging a mental
patient behind my back.
245
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,428
I remember, yeah.
246
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:20,150
I tell you what, I'm going to be
sliding down a very steep learning curve.
247
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,992
No doubt about it.
248
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,036
But from now on, that's it.
249
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:28,557
Is's just going to be fanny, blow
jobs, big tits and...
250
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,312
you know, beer.
251
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,156
That's the kind of lifestyle I want.
252
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,276
- Sandwich?
- Cheers, mate.
253
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,676
Dreaming Of You
254
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:56,637
What's up with my heart when it skips a beat?
255
00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,312
Skips a beat.
256
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,437
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet
257
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,033
Under my feet.
258
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,395
Up in my lonely room Wah-oooh
259
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,630
When I'm dreaming of you
260
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,871
Oh, what can I do? Wah-oooh
261
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,359
I still need you, but
262
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:14,396
I don't want you now...
263
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,151
All right, mate, is er...Poppy in?
264
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:19,514
No, she's not.
265
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,273
That's a shame. Is she all right, though?
266
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:23,873
Who are you?
267
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,473
Sorry, mate. I'm Dave.
268
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,836
I'm an old friend of Poppy's.
What time are you expecting her back?
269
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,353
Not till late. She's at work.
270
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,317
Can you give her a message?
271
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,435
What?
272
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,592
- Have you got a pen and a bit of paper?
- Look, just tell me.
273
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,592
- You must have some paper.
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
274
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,636
This is important!
275
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,109
All right, the message is from me, Dave.
276
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,272
That's D-A-V-E.
277
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:53,194
Just say, with respect to the
threesome - yeah? Just put threesome.
278
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,670
With respect to the threesome, it's a thumbs-up.
279
00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,355
Is's just that she asked me if I'd
be interested but, you know,
280
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,670
I was still with my wife at the time, so er...
281
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,716
Mind you, I'm going back a bit now.
282
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,636
I've not seen Poppy for a couple of years.
283
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,472
You know, she could be...
284
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,516
- You're not her husband, are you?
- No.
285
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,875
- This is her mam's house, in't it?
- Yeah.
286
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,235
- Who are you, then?
- I'm her brother.
287
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:17,958
Ooh, nice one. Brother.
288
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,758
How did that come about, then?
289
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,558
What do you mean?
290
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,313
Yeah, if you could pass the
message on, that would be great.
291
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,879
I'll just write my number down.
292
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,392
There you go.
293
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:32,993
How's your mam, anyway?
294
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,832
She died last year.
295
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,876
What a shame.
296
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,997
Anyway, get Poppy to give us a
ring as soon as she gets back
297
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,036
cos I've just split up with my wife.
298
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,678
Last night, actually.
299
00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:48,231
Is's taking me a while to adjust,
so a threesome with your sister would be superb right now.
300
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,916
Tell her it's urgent!
301
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,757
Orgasm Addict
302
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,718
Well, you tried it just for once,
found it all right for kick s
303
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,155
But now you found out that it's a
habit that stick s
304
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,196
And you're an orgasm addict
305
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:05,748
You're an orgasm addict
306
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:08,400
Sneaking in the back door with
dirty magazines
307
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,040
Now your mother wants to know what
all those stains on your jeans are.
308
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:12,519
And you're an orgasm addict
309
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,117
You're an orgasm addict
310
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:18,670
Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
311
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,510
Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
312
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:27,549
You get in a heat, you get in a sulk
313
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,108
But you still keep a-beating your
meat to pulp...
314
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,873
Yeah? Wow. What else are you wearing?
315
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,836
Oh, God! Really?
316
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,996
What? What am I wearing?
317
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,834
Erm...a brown jumper.
A pair of trousers I got off my dad.
318
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,309
They didn't fit him.
He got them out the catalogue
319
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,391
and didn't send them back, so I had them.
320
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,916
Linda, my ex-wife, she used to
quite like me in these trousers.
321
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,672
Yeah, she just pissed off one day.
322
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,318
Never rung me or anything.
323
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,198
I've heard she's been done for
shoplifting, which...
324
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,748
Hello? Hello?
325
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:06,230
Have you finished, Tolly? You're
putting me off my breakfast.
326
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,836
Excuse me, mate.
327
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,432
How much are your plastic twats?
328
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,272
- Fifty quid.
- Right.
329
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,238
What do you use to erm...
What do you put inside it?
330
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,753
Your cock.
331
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,671
No, I meant to make it all slippery.
332
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,069
Do you put, like, margarine in it
or something?
333
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:38,958
There's tubes of KY Jelly.
Next to the vibrators.
334
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,349
Yeah, but it doesn't taste of
anything, does it?
335
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:43,078
You're not supposed to eat it, mate.
336
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,798
No, no.
337
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:45,835
Obviously.
338
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,956
But is there anything else?
339
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:51,112
Is there anything that's got a more...
proper fanny flavour?
340
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:52,599
Yeah. A proper fanny.
341
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,839
Leave your message
now
342
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,798
All right guys. My name's Nigel Tolly
343
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,154
My mates call me Tolly.
344
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,549
I'm average, 26, divorced.
345
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,596
I look er...OK. Normal.
346
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,989
I haven't got a moustache, anything like that.
347
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:14,551
I like takeaway meals, renting
videos and I used to have a motorbike.
348
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,154
Sold it to a mate of mine.
He didn't look after it.
349
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,071
Still, that's another story.
350
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,912
I have my own...apartment.
351
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,992
With future fridge et cetera
352
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,798
Gas central heating.
353
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,599
I'm really looking for a girl who
enjoys dirty sex acts.
354
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,318
Any size, any age, any colour.
355
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,516
No sex-change people.
I must specify that.
356
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,479
And I like putting jam on people.
I've got to get that across. Is's very important.
357
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,869
So please send photos to my box number
358
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:43,033
or leave a message if you want
strawberry jam put on your areas.
359
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,839
I will, of course, buy you a drink
and a meal.
360
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,832
That's about it, girls.
Get dialling now. OK.
361
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,797
Three women at once.
362
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:03,270
And I bet he's got a few cans of
beer in that fridge for later on.
363
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,396
My cousin's been killed in a car crash.
364
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,152
- Has he?
- Yeah.
365
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,437
Nice bloke, he was.
He lent us £500 the other week.
366
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,236
I won't have to pay that back now, will l?
367
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,788
No, if somebody dies, it's their
fault, in't it?
368
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,030
Yeah.
Shame for his wife and kid, and that,
369
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,953
but for me personally...
it's worked out all right.
370
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,831
Here we are look.
371
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,275
- Nice.
- All right, girls?
372
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,510
Fuck off!
373
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,875
A Message To You, Rudy
374
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,520
Oh, come on, Ferris.
Just get it over with.
375
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,068
Tell him his dad's dead or I'm
going to be late.
376
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,837
I can't do it, Dave.
377
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,558
All right. Leave it to me.
378
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,915
I'm pretty good at this sort of thing.
379
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,953
Stop your messing around
380
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,153
Better think of your future...
381
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:53,958
Do you know your dad used to be alive?
382
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,359
Well, he's not any more.
383
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,954
Creating problems in town...
384
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:05,599
Rudy...
385
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,193
Where's Mummy?
386
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,833
Good point. Where's his mum?
387
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,478
She's in a coma.
388
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,516
A message to you...
389
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:17,678
Do you want an ice cream?
390
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,796
Come on, then.
391
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:44,753
Brindisi from La Traviata
392
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,512
Dear Ruth you cowbag
393
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,319
I know you are enjoying this situation.
394
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,073
Messing me about and getting
all this attention.
395
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,436
I noticed you've now changed
all your telephone numbers
396
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:59,513
your mobile, your home number
and your extension at work
397
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:03,229
as well as your email addresses
and both fax numbers.
398
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,630
When they ask you why I can
just imagine you saying.
399
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:10,599
"There's this man who's
obsessively in love with me you know how it is."
400
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:14,389
I bet you let everyone know
about me because it makes you look really good
401
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:16,436
in demand Wanted by me!
402
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:23,751
Well you'd better make the most of it.
403
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,752
You've got the kind of face
that isn't going to age very well.
404
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,308
Fat cheeks and piggy eyes
405
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,356
in a couple of years you'll be
ringing me up.
406
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:35,353
You'll be desperate and I'll
say "You had your chance darling but you blew it.
407
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,396
Now go away and be ugly and fat.
408
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:39,630
And honey"
409
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:46,358
You'll keep this letter in a
box as a souvenir of the times when you could attract me!
410
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:47,953
You know this is true.
411
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,715
And that new boyfriend of yours
I know for a fact he's seeing somebody else.
412
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:53,756
All the best Jeremy.
413
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:08,708
Just sniffs. Sniffs the
grass. In a minute, he'll see something he wants to play with.
414
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,438
Come on, baby.
415
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:16,833
Yeah.
416
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,876
- Yeah.
417
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,270
Oi! Fuck off!
418
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:33,836
Fuck off!
419
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:48,834
Bobby!
420
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:50,876
Bobby!
421
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:51,915
Bobby!
422
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,079
Bobby!
423
00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:02,155
OK. I'm going to chop your fucking
head off, mister.
424
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:05,676
Send you back in a fucking carrier bag.
See how she likes that.
425
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:08,716
Don't move.
426
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,198
There.
427
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,236
How do you like this situation, then, eh?
428
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,550
You scared? You fucking scared? Are you?
429
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,438
Right.
430
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,749
This was a really stupid thing to do.
431
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:42,956
I Feel Happy
432
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:53,559
All right.
433
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,916
Put your hands up if you're going
to shag two women this afternoon.
434
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:58,115
Are you?
435
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,794
Just got a message from Poppy.
Can't believe it.
436
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:02,757
I'm having a threesome today.
437
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:03,989
Can I come?
438
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:05,752
- No
- Wouldn't be a threesome then.
439
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:07,193
No, but...
440
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:08,952
- Congratulations, mate.
- Cheers.
441
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,429
- Yeah, nice one, Dave.
- Cheers, Tol.
442
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,956
I can't believe it. A threesome!
443
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:17,638
You deserve it mate.
444
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,676
Yeah, I do, don't I?
445
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,868
They want to sort the
parking out round here.
446
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,191
Is's hopeless.
You should have permit parking or something.
447
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,475
Go in there with Kevin.
I'll only be a minute.
448
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,152
Right.
449
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:35,912
Kevin? Who's Kevin?
450
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,719
Is's a threesome, Dave.
You need three people.
451
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,394
Yeah, but I thought it would be me
and two women.
452
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:43,436
Yeah, I bet you did.
453
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:52,996
- All right, mate?
- All right.
454
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:55,959
Where did you park?
455
00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,076
Actually, l... I got the bus.
456
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,879
My car's off the road at the minute.
I had er...a bump.
457
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,076
I've been driving round for ages.
458
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:08,351
- I haven't kept you waiting, have I?
- No. I got here early.
459
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,829
You know, I like to soak up the
atmosphere.
460
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:14,631
Turn off the mobile.
461
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,109
Yeah. How do they work, these things?
462
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:19,156
I wouldn't want to hazard a guess.
463
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:20,832
Is's like space age.
464
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:25,712
Is's all them aerials. You see 'em
on the motorway. Is's like a network. Like the radio.
465
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,791
Yeah, but the radio - how does that work?
466
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,110
How does music travel through the air
467
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,873
then get into the radio and come
back out again?
468
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,997
I-I-I'd imagine it's the same
system as the phones.
469
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:38,319
Could be, yeah.
470
00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:41,073
I saw that Adrian Chiles in the
pub and I asked him about it.
471
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,435
He didn't have a clue, and he's on
the BBC.
472
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,318
Lives near Redditch. Lovely house.
473
00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:48,231
He's quite a nice bloke, actually.
474
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,276
Told us that he's loaded, like.
475
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:53,318
He said he doesn't get out of bed
for less than two grand.
476
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,914
He just stays in bed if no-one pays him?
477
00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:58,073
Yeah. Think so.
478
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,390
His pyjamas must stink.
479
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,948
Actually, there was a funny smell in that pub.
480
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:13,596
I reckon this bed's seen a bit of action.
481
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:15,636
All the joints are loose.
482
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:17,676
You need an Allen key.
483
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:20,149
Tighten 'em up, and it'll be right as rain.
484
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:21,753
Hello boys!
485
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,436
You haven't got an Allen key, have you?
486
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,353
I've got vibrators, dildos,
487
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:29,953
handcuffs...
488
00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:32,429
Is's just...we really need an Allen key.
489
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:35,428
What for?
490
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:37,909
- Well...
- Dave! Don't worry about it.
491
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:39,399
Let's...
492
00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:41,516
Right yeah!
493
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:43,511
- No problem.
- Fancy a spit roast?
494
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:45,238
Yeah! I do.
495
00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,390
I've only had a sandwich for my dinner.
496
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,394
Everybody was kung fu fighting
497
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:56,196
Those cats were fast as lightning
498
00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,556
In fact, it was a little bit frightening
499
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:05,150
But they fought with expert timing
500
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,439
There were funky Chinamen
501
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,431
From funky Chinatown
502
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,875
They were chopping them up
503
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,110
They were chopping them down
504
00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,191
Is's an ancient Chinese art
505
00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,589
And everybody knew their part
506
00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:22,830
From a feint into a slip
507
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:24,797
And a kicking from the hip
508
00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,235
Everybody was kung fu fighting...
509
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,880
I like cauliflower and I like cheese...
510
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:32,717
..but I don't like cauliflower cheese.
511
00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:36,190
Same with me. I like apples and I
like toffee but I don't like toffee apples.
512
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:39,750
But then...l don't like actual tomatoes,
513
00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:41,876
but I love tomato sauce.
514
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:43,279
Is's just weird.
515
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,476
Are you two going to shut up, or what?
516
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,039
Sorry, love.
517
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,076
- Is's Dave.
- Cheers, mate.
518
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:51,879
I don't care who it is, just shut
up and concentrate.
519
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:53,109
I'm doing all the work here.
520
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,156
Let's just get it finished.
521
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:58,835
I can't "finish" just like that.
I need some stimulation.
522
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:01,036
Come on, Dave. Let's step it up a gear.
523
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:02,712
Have you got any porn mags?
524
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:04,916
Just put some elbow grease into it.
525
00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:12,712
Aye! There you go!
526
00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:40,355
Ferris is that you?
- Yeah.
527
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:42,519
Come here a minute.
528
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,079
Erm...
529
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:45,752
Look at this
530
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:47,512
- What?
- I want to show you something.
531
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:49,556
- What is it?
- I won't bite you!
532
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:51,198
I got my photos back.
533
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:53,236
Oh. Oh, right.
534
00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:55,518
What do you think of that?
535
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:58,319
What is it, the moon? Look s like
the surface of the moon.
536
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:01,392
How can it be the moon? I haven't
been to the moon, have l?
537
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:03,436
- I don't know.
- Is's my arse.
538
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,119
- Oh, right.
- I got one of them throwaway cameras.
539
00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:09,156
Here y'are. Guess what that is.
540
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,352
- Oh, Jesus.
- Might get that one enlarged.
541
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,192
Listen, Joan, I've got to...
542
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:17,236
Don't you want to take your trousers down?
543
00:32:17,320 --> 00:32:18,719
- No.
- Why not?
544
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,153
Is's cold.
545
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,789
I'll put the fire on. There's a
hell of a draught coming from this door.
546
00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:27,238
I've got a new bra.
547
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,312
Look, Joan, the thing is, I-I like
living here and everything,
548
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:31,913
it's just that I don't want to...
549
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:38,476
That is a nice bra.
550
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:41,590
Shall we strangle the hamster?
551
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:43,511
All right. Just once more, then.
552
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:46,510
I Feel Happy
553
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:49,356
A-ha-ha Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
554
00:32:49,920 --> 00:32:51,876
A-ha-ha Yeah, yeah, yeah
555
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:53,916
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
556
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:58,350
I don't know if we can get higher
557
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,636
But tell me why you're dressed in black
558
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:07,789
Life is short and full of flowers
559
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:12,111
If you know you'll reach the sky
560
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:14,996
I feel happy
561
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:17,036
Yeah, yeah, yeah
562
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:19,429
I feel happy
563
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,117
Yeah, yeah, yeah
564
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:24,156
- All right, mate?
- All right.
565
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,196
What happened here?
566
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:29,113
- Crazy paving.
- This ain't crazy paving, Ferris.
567
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,156
This is just shit.
568
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,800
I was trying to...you know.
569
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:38,191
You haven't got, like, any
artistic vision here, have you?
570
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:40,510
Is's just a random fucking big mess.
571
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,558
Is's crazy paving.
You just bung slabs down on the floor.
572
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,598
No. I think you've focused too
much on the crazy aspect
573
00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,591
and not enough on the paving side of it.
574
00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,069
Have you come round to have a go
at my crazy paving?
575
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:52,991
- No, but...
- What do you want, then?
576
00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:54,274
Nothing.
577
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:56,237
You're standing on my string.
578
00:33:57,000 --> 00:34:00,515
What type of concrete are you
using? Cos you know there's different types.
579
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:02,352
You're getting on my nerves.
580
00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,159
I'm just saying, there's different
types of concrete!
581
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:07,470
Use the wrong one and...you're fucked!
582
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:09,710
Is's just ordinary concrete.
583
00:34:11,240 --> 00:34:13,037
Tolly is driving me round the twist.
584
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,792
He never stops wanking.
I just had to get out of there.
585
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:18,871
You want to try living here, with Joan.
586
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,918
24 hours a day, it's either blow
jobs or crazy paving.
587
00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:25,632
Look at us.
Half eleven on a Saturday morning.
588
00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:27,676
It isn't right. We're youg blokes.
589
00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:32,559
We shouldn't be stood here like this.
We should be living lives to the full.
590
00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:34,596
We should be down the pub.
591
00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:41,717
Threesomes are a great innovation,
no question of that.
592
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,598
Is's the other bloke being there
that, you know...
593
00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:49,269
I'd rather it were me and two
women, but that's more difficult to organise.
594
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:53,114
Yeah, women get a bit narked when
you try and involve another bird.
595
00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:55,156
They take umbrage.
596
00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,673
I don't want to sound like a
complete poof, but...
597
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:00,716
I used to like talking to my wife.
598
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:03,548
Did you?
599
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,153
I know it's weird,
600
00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:08,232
but her little face chatting away
and then you say something.
601
00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:11,278
You know, like...
pretending that you're listening.
602
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:15,513
Is's nice when a woman looks at
you like that, you know.
603
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:17,113
Appreciative.
604
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:19,472
That's what I'm going to miss.
605
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:21,118
Are you all right, mate?
606
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:25,239
Yeah, yeah. I'm just at that stage
in my life where I just feel, you know...
607
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:27,709
really...hungry.
608
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:40,393
Please enter your
four-digit number.
609
00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:44,159
Welcome to the Sexy Singles call exchange.
610
00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:46,708
Your personal fun box is empty.
611
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,471
I want one of them
golden showers.
612
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:53,152
I want you to like piss on me,
613
00:35:53,240 --> 00:35:54,878
then I want to do a 69
614
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:59,238
but first I want to put some of
this strawberry jam on your twat so I can lick it off.
615
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:02,710
Then I want another girl with a
strap-on dildo shaggin' me up the arse
616
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:05,712
while you're doing yourself with a vibrator
617
00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:08,792
and then you both toss me off.
How much will that be?
618
00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:10,359
Well, let's see.
619
00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:12,396
Where's my price list?
620
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,550
Customer providing own jam
621
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:17,153
..double toss off...
622
00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:18,593
plus VAT...
623
00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:20,033
Let's call it 200.
624
00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:21,792
£200?
625
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:23,836
- That's cheap
- Bloody hell.
626
00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:26,353
How much did you want to spend?
627
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:28,873
What do you get for 20 quid?
628
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,076
I'll show you my tits.
629
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:34,357
That's 20 quid? I can get 13 pints
of beer for 20 quid.
630
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:36,237
- Go on, then.
- All right, then, I will.
631
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:39,392
And I'll toss myself off, for free.
Thank you very much.
632
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:41,436
Don't forget your jam.
633
00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:43,033
Oh, yeah.
634
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:44,678
Thank s, love.
635
00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:47,278
Can I see your arse for a fiver?
636
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:49,396
- No.
- All right. Ta-ra, then, love.
637
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:51,436
Ta-ra a bit.
638
00:36:58,920 --> 00:37:00,478
You coming for a pint?
639
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:02,835
Can't, mate.
I'm going down the hospital.
640
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:04,876
I'm taking Matthew to see his mum.
641
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:08,032
- The one in the coma with the big tits?
- Yep, that's her.
642
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:10,871
I bet there's some cracking nurses there.
643
00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:12,837
There is, mate. That's why I'm going.
644
00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:14,512
You know what nurses are like.
645
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:17,637
Buy 'em a drink and some chips and
they'll do anything.
646
00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:29,116
She's much thinner than before.
647
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,752
I don't think they eat much in a coma.
648
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:33,398
They don't eat anything, do they?
649
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:35,994
I thought it was, like, astronaut
food down a pipe.
650
00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:38,036
Yeah, that's it. That's it, I think.
651
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:40,915
- You reckon they're quite big?
- Oh, yeah.
652
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:45,756
Not bad.
Nice.
653
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:52,918
I need the toilet.
654
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:54,797
What do you want? Number 1 or number 2?
655
00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:56,836
Number 3.
656
00:37:57,720 --> 00:37:58,869
Come on, Matthew.
657
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:00,518
I'll take him to get some sweets.
658
00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:01,953
All right, mate.
659
00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:34,957
- All right, love?
- Yeah, thanks. You?
660
00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:36,792
You remember Ferris, don't you, Mum?
661
00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:39,474
- Who?
- Ferris. Julie's husband. The wedding.
662
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:41,551
Hello, Rose. How are you doing?
663
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,835
- Your taxi's here, Mum.
664
00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:46,753
Ferris. Oh, yes. Ferris.
665
00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:49,715
Got everything? Have you got your stick?
666
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:54,196
Joan says you've got a big cock.
667
00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,238
- Mum!
- What?
668
00:38:57,320 --> 00:38:58,469
Show it to her, Ferris.
669
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:01,039
- What?
- Show her your thing.
670
00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:02,075
No!
671
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:05,789
Ferris! She doesn't get out much,
she's practically bedridden.
672
00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:07,313
Oh, come on, Ferris.
673
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:09,755
- Joan!
- Don't be such a spoilsport, Ferris.
674
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:13,230
You've had a lot of generosity
from this family, living here rent-free.
675
00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:15,072
I don't ask for much in return.
676
00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:20,949
Well, hurry up.
677
00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:26,355
Wow!
678
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:27,555
I told you.
679
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:29,710
When it's stiff it's like a rolling pin.
680
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:32,948
- Can I touch it?
- Yeah, go on, have a feel.
681
00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:37,836
Ohhh!
682
00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,798
If I was 50 years youger...
683
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:42,836
- Put it in your mouth.
- Joan!
684
00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:46,075
I can't get down there with my back.
685
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:47,957
Stand on a chair, Ferris.
686
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:49,917
I'm not standing on a chair.
687
00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:51,479
Taxi for Rose
688
00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:53,278
Just coming love.
689
00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:55,510
Has he gone to get a chair?
- No he's.
690
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:59,036
Let's get you home.
They'll be wondering where you've got to.
691
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:01,588
It's shepherd's pie
tonight.
692
00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:03,636
Ooh lucky you!
693
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:11,596
You can't stay here long.
694
00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:13,910
No, I know.
Is's only for a couple of nights.
695
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:15,797
I was thinking of buying my own place,
696
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:20,112
but if I just move them jars of
gherkins out the way, I could sleep on that shelf.
697
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:22,668
Well, if I'm going to do you a favour,
698
00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:24,910
there might be a favour you can do for me.
699
00:40:25,720 --> 00:40:27,676
All right, then, yeah. No problem.
700
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:30,195
Mop that floor, you bitch.
701
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:34,669
I feel like a right cunt doing this.
702
00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:36,716
Keep going. Keep going!
703
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,109
One Way Love
704
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:42,997
That's pretty clean now.
705
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:44,433
Go and find
706
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:45,953
Oh!
707
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:48,756
The kind of girl
708
00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,917
Who think s you're the only
709
00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:55,716
Guy in the world
710
00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:59,476
No more half kisses
711
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:02,796
That's bad enough
712
00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:06,999
No more teardrops
713
00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:09,355
No more one-way love
714
00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:11,838
One-way love
715
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:15,877
Is's harder for someone
716
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:19,836
Who likes to love fast
717
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:23,795
You know that kind of love
718
00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:26,556
Will never last
719
00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:30,718
If she's fast and furious
720
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:33,996
That can be rough
721
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:40,309
You'll never have one-way love
722
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:42,149
One-way love...
723
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:44,392
Starry-eyed
724
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:54,595
Why am I so starry-eyed?
725
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:57,831
Do us your trick, Bobby. Go on.
726
00:41:57,920 --> 00:41:59,797
Clever boy. Go on, do us another one.
727
00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:01,757
728
00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:03,319
Where'd you learn to do that?
729
00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:06,278
I love you Bobby You're just
such a smashing little dog.
730
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:08,316
I'm sorry I tried to kill you.
731
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:09,674
I wouldn't do it now.
732
00:42:09,760 --> 00:42:14,231
I just really want to...you know,
go to the park with you and spend all my time with you.
733
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:16,038
I love you, Bobby.
734
00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:19,157
You're just a fantastic little
dog, aren't you? Bobby?
735
00:42:19,240 --> 00:42:21,356
Bobby! Bobby, come back.
736
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:24,318
Bobby, where are you going? Bobby!
737
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:29,113
When we touch I hear angels
sing Starry-eyed
738
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:32,431
When we kiss I hear wedding bells ring...
739
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:34,272
This is Bobby. Say hello.
740
00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:35,873
All right, mate?
741
00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:39,433
- You know what you get from a dog?
- Dog shit.
742
00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:40,794
Unconditional love.
743
00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:42,438
Is it yours?
744
00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:44,719
Actually, it's Ruth's.
745
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:47,394
She's away. She's in...Switzerland.
746
00:42:47,480 --> 00:42:49,994
So I'm looking after little Bobby.
747
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,310
Well, don't, you know, while she's away.
748
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:54,550
Don't start shagging it, cos she'll find out.
749
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:56,232
They always find out.
750
00:42:56,320 --> 00:43:00,199
I know why I'm starry-eyed
751
00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:03,795
Starry-eyed and mystified
752
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:07,429
All my dreams are coming true
753
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:13,314
Just because I'm so in love with you
754
00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:18,428
Oh, hello! What's his name?
755
00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:20,795
Er, Bobby. Like Bobby Dazzler.
756
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:22,711
Aw.
757
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,439
Say hello, Bobby. Say hello to erm...
758
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:27,590
I'm Shelley. This is Crystal.
759
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:28,999
Hello, Crystal.
760
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,640
- Don't do that, Crystal.
761
00:43:31,720 --> 00:43:33,438
- Bobby, stop it!
- Crystal, stop it!
762
00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:34,669
Bobby, stop it!
763
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:37,797
I lived in...Africa for a while.
764
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:42,036
Out there you soon learn to
respect wild animals, you know.
765
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:44,475
Lions, tigers,
766
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:46,118
hippos.
767
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:47,918
Whereabouts in Africa were you?
768
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,116
The er...safari district.
769
00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:52,474
Right. Yeah.
770
00:43:53,240 --> 00:43:54,878
I'd love to go on a safari.
771
00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:56,757
It was Kenya, where I was.
772
00:43:56,840 --> 00:44:00,037
You'd love it there.
Is's like solid jungle, you know.
773
00:44:00,120 --> 00:44:03,874
You open your curtains in the
morning and there's giraffes everywhere.
774
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:05,791
I love animals.
775
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:07,871
So do I. They're great.
776
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:09,279
Bobby!
777
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,590
Bobby!
778
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:16,829
Bobby!
- What is it?
779
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:19,759
Shit.
780
00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:21,239
Sorry, what... what is it?
781
00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:23,038
Oi! You!
782
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:25,475
- Be nice to go out for a drink or something.
- Yes.
783
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:27,516
- Nice to meet you. Bye.
- Bye.
784
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:35,398
- That man stole my dog.
- Did he?
785
00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:55,273
What are you doing?
786
00:44:57,560 --> 00:45:00,028
- Is's the gherkin man.
- What's this all about?
787
00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:02,270
Take no notice of him, he's just
the potato man.
788
00:45:02,360 --> 00:45:03,873
What's he doing up there?
789
00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:07,748
Trying to get some sleep, so just
deliver your gherkins and piss off.
790
00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:11,435
Don't tell me to piss off or I'll
come up and smack your face in for you.
791
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:14,353
- You don't have to get all...
- Forget him, he's just a prat.
792
00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:16,271
I'm not taking any lip from a potato man.
793
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:17,918
I know it's OK
794
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:19,956
You signed for them gherkins, love?
795
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,389
Hang on a minute.
That's my shelf!
796
00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:25,436
Oi! Potato man!
797
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:27,829
You been messing about with my gherkins?
798
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:30,514
No. This is... this is the vinegar shelf.
799
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:32,352
I don't think so.
800
00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:35,432
They're just shelves.
Can everybody just leave it?
801
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:39,672
Listen, potato boy, you keep your
hands off my gherkins, all right?
802
00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:44,480
- See you in a fortnight, love.
- Yeah. OK.
803
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:47,798
What's all that about?
804
00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:50,599
Look what you've done now.
You've upset the gherkin man.
805
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:54,954
Do you know what? This is all bollocks.
806
00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:56,871
You treat this place like an hotel.
807
00:45:56,960 --> 00:46:00,999
Is's about time you realised,
Ferris, this is a chip shop, and don't you forget it.
808
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,593
- Well, if that's how you want it, then...
809
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:07,836
I Feel Happy
810
00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:11,958
I got flowers,
811
00:46:12,040 --> 00:46:14,031
I got chocolates for a special girl.
812
00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:16,190
- What are you after?
- Nothing.
813
00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:18,510
I thought we could go for a walk.
814
00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:21,114
I haven't really had time to talk
to you that much.
815
00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:23,839
So that's your game, is it? Talking.
816
00:46:23,920 --> 00:46:25,956
I thought it'd be nice
- just me and you.
817
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:29,715
Have a nice...conversation.
Go for a quick walk round the park.
818
00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:33,110
I hardly know you. I'm not going
to go walking round the park with you.
819
00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:35,156
All right, then, forget it.
820
00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:40,233
I'm having a few people round next
week for group sex, if you're interested.
821
00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:42,595
No, I... I think I'm busy that day.
822
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,432
What day is it?
823
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:46,514
Tuesday.
824
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:48,795
No, I... I don't think so, you know.
825
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:50,598
Please yourself.
826
00:46:50,680 --> 00:46:52,671
Right, well, I'd...better make a move.
827
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:54,716
- Yeah, see you.
- Yeah.
828
00:46:57,320 --> 00:46:58,912
I've always fancied you.
829
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:00,956
- Have you?
- Yeah.
830
00:47:01,880 --> 00:47:03,711
You've got your own house, haven't you?
831
00:47:03,800 --> 00:47:05,233
Yes.
832
00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:06,958
How many bedrooms you got?
833
00:47:07,040 --> 00:47:08,473
Three. Why?
834
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:11,632
I bet it's...nice and clean, isn't it?
835
00:47:11,720 --> 00:47:13,597
I've only got half an hour, you know!
836
00:47:13,680 --> 00:47:15,636
Right. OK. Well...
837
00:47:15,720 --> 00:47:18,996
I thought, you know, we'd...start
with some penis work.
838
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:20,638
Like what?
839
00:47:20,720 --> 00:47:22,676
How does a blow job sound?
840
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:24,239
I don't do that.
841
00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:27,951
Course you do.
842
00:47:28,040 --> 00:47:29,871
No, I don't like it.
843
00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:32,838
But it's great.
Is's...standard procedure.
844
00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:34,399
Would you do it?
845
00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:38,912
Yes, I would.
If it'd make the other person happy.
846
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:40,991
Well, not me.
847
00:47:41,080 --> 00:47:43,196
What if I put strawberry jam on it?
848
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:45,555
You're only a potato man.
I won't do anything weird.
849
00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:47,517
What do you mean, only a potato man?
850
00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:49,750
You've really spoilt the atmosphere now.
851
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:52,479
You smell of chips but I weren't
going to say anything.
852
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:54,198
You're a stupid idiot.
853
00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:56,350
Your hair smells of pickled onions.
854
00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:57,998
Well, you've got a horrible face.
855
00:47:59,560 --> 00:48:01,676
I'm not going to get anything out
of you, am I?
856
00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:03,591
Not now, no.
857
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,318
I'm sorry, love.
858
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:07,470
Look...I'll settle for a hand job.
859
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:09,039
You'll be lucky.
860
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:11,953
- Well, how about some free chips?
- Piss off, Dave.
861
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,473
So what do you reckon my chances
are with whatsit?
862
00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:27,278
I wouldn't get your hopes up, Dave.
863
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:30,238
She's only been out the coma a
couple of week s.
864
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:33,835
She'll still be pissed off about
her husband being dead and that.
865
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:36,354
So you're saying play it cool,
sort of thing.
866
00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:38,396
Yeah, I can do that.
867
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:41,956
Is's lovely and clean, innit?
868
00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:44,838
- Is's a nice house you've got here, Helen.
- Thanks.
869
00:48:44,920 --> 00:48:47,275
Steve was pretty good with the
decorating.
870
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:49,316
That was one of his things.
871
00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:52,993
I'm sorry for you about what
happened to him.
872
00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:56,072
A motorway pile-up, it's terrible.
873
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:58,993
I heard it was a really nice car
an' all.
874
00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:01,196
What was it, a Renault?
875
00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,635
Thought we'd just come round, see
how you are.
876
00:49:03,720 --> 00:49:05,472
If there's anything we can do.
877
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:07,198
Well, thanks for the potatoes.
878
00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:09,589
There's plenty more where
they come from.
879
00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:11,716
We'll see you all right.
Don't you worry.
880
00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:15,553
Oh, and that £500 you owe us, Ferris,
881
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:18,108
I could really do with it right now!
882
00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:20,156
If you've got it, that is.
883
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:22,956
Course, yeah.
884
00:49:23,040 --> 00:49:25,713
It must be really difficult for
you right now.
885
00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:29,149
But no use crying over spilt milk,
is there?
886
00:49:29,240 --> 00:49:32,391
You've got to...
You need a man about the place.
887
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:35,950
Yeah, well, Phil's been very good
to me the past few weeks.
888
00:49:36,040 --> 00:49:38,156
Phil? Phil who?
889
00:49:38,240 --> 00:49:40,196
All right, lads?
890
00:49:40,280 --> 00:49:42,635
What are you doing here?
- I live here.
891
00:49:42,720 --> 00:49:43,869
Since when?
892
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:47,350
Phil delivers biscuits to the hospital.
That's how we met.
893
00:49:47,440 --> 00:49:49,795
Fancy a biscuit, Dave? Ferris?
894
00:49:49,880 --> 00:49:51,632
No.
895
00:49:51,720 --> 00:49:54,632
So, how's life been treating the potato men?
896
00:49:55,400 --> 00:49:57,630
- Look out, Phil, there's a wasp!
- Where?
897
00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:15,998
Ferris, the gherkin man means nothing to me.
898
00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:17,752
I was just trying to make you jealous.
899
00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:20,991
Seeing you with that other girl
made me realise you're not a bad bloke.
900
00:50:21,080 --> 00:50:24,311
Well, I didn't even know her name, to be honest.
That was just a...
901
00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:26,038
I can see us making a go of it.
902
00:50:26,120 --> 00:50:29,430
Not just shagging in this crappy
old storeroom all the time.
903
00:50:29,520 --> 00:50:31,636
I'm talking about something more.
904
00:50:31,720 --> 00:50:33,597
Like what?
905
00:50:33,680 --> 00:50:35,796
We could do it lying down. On a bed.
906
00:50:35,880 --> 00:50:37,632
I like the sound of that.
907
00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:39,631
My husband's away for a few days.
908
00:50:39,720 --> 00:50:43,952
Why don't you come back to the
house tonight? We've got a big double bed, fluffy carpets.
909
00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:47,077
If you bring some cans of beer,
I'll bring some leftover pies
910
00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:49,037
and we'll make a night of it.
911
00:50:49,120 --> 00:50:50,599
Ace.
912
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:02,952
This is better than that stinky
old stockroom, innit?
913
00:51:03,040 --> 00:51:05,315
Yeah, it's all right. When's your husband back?
914
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:06,958
Oh, not for ages.
915
00:51:07,040 --> 00:51:09,793
Monday, I think.
Is's a long drive from Poland.
916
00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:12,394
- What's he doing there?
- Smuggling.
917
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:15,472
- Smuggling?
- Yeah, smuggling...motorbikes.
918
00:51:15,560 --> 00:51:17,198
Is he?
919
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:19,236
I'm thinking of buying a moped.
920
00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:20,833
Shit!
921
00:51:20,920 --> 00:51:22,273
Fucking hell!
922
00:51:23,040 --> 00:51:24,871
- I thought he was in Poland.
- Erm...
923
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:26,518
Listen, Ferris.
924
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:29,751
You breathe one word of this to
anybody, you're dead. Right?
925
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:33,196
OK. I'll...
I'll just get dressed and go and...
926
00:51:33,280 --> 00:51:36,192
You ain't going anywhere.
You finish what you started.
927
00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:38,748
- How do you mean?
- Come on. Get on with it.
928
00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:41,400
Shag my wife, Ferris, or you're in
big trouble.
929
00:51:50,680 --> 00:51:53,717
Don't make me come out there,
Ferris! I'm warning you!
930
00:51:56,040 --> 00:51:57,996
I hope my husband doesn't catch us.
931
00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:00,992
- This is out of order.
- Shut up, Ferris.
932
00:52:01,080 --> 00:52:04,072
- You said he was in Poland
933
00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:06,276
He's in the fucking wardrobe.
934
00:52:07,120 --> 00:52:10,556
If he finds out, he's going to
punish me real bad.
935
00:52:10,640 --> 00:52:12,835
You and me are finished, I'm
telling you.
936
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:15,070
Oh, use me. Use me!
937
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:17,390
Like the slutty wife I am.
938
00:52:28,240 --> 00:52:30,037
That should fucking do it.
939
00:52:30,120 --> 00:52:32,031
- Am I being held prisoner?
- No!
940
00:52:33,160 --> 00:52:34,832
Well... A little bit.
941
00:52:34,920 --> 00:52:36,512
But it's just a game.
942
00:52:36,600 --> 00:52:38,670
- Is it?
- Look!
943
00:52:38,760 --> 00:52:43,595
Any more shit from you, sunshine,
and I'll drown you in the bath like I did that sackful of kittens.
944
00:52:44,360 --> 00:52:46,112
That really turned me on.
945
00:52:47,120 --> 00:52:48,075
What?
946
00:52:48,160 --> 00:52:49,513
Is's a game.
947
00:52:49,600 --> 00:52:51,477
You're not going to drown me, are you?
948
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:54,154
I'll punch you in the fucking face
if you don't shut it.
949
00:52:57,360 --> 00:52:59,316
I thought you liked having sex with me.
950
00:52:59,400 --> 00:53:00,992
Not like this. This is...
951
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:03,036
This is how I like it.
952
00:53:03,120 --> 00:53:06,476
Next time, we'll do whatever you want.
I'll do anything you want.
953
00:53:06,560 --> 00:53:08,516
- Think of something.
954
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:13,953
There is one or two things I
wouldn't mind trying.
955
00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:18,719
I've got some right stuff in store
for you over the next few week s, Ferris. Oh, yes.
956
00:53:18,800 --> 00:53:21,394
Some really fucked-up shit.
957
00:53:22,960 --> 00:53:24,871
Get him down in the basement.
958
00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:28,191
Come on.
959
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:31,156
- What do you keep in the basement?
- Come on.
960
00:53:31,240 --> 00:53:33,959
- Have you got a pool table?
-
961
00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:51,437
If I can't see you,
962
00:53:51,520 --> 00:53:53,476
you can't see me.
963
00:53:55,720 --> 00:53:59,952
If my husband walk s in here now
and catches us, we're dead.
964
00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:02,873
If the rope break s, we're dead.
965
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:04,871
Oh! Who wants salt and vinegar?
966
00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:07,439
Oh, God. No.
967
00:54:07,520 --> 00:54:09,033
Ahhhh!
968
00:54:11,120 --> 00:54:12,633
Fu...
969
00:54:16,360 --> 00:54:18,476
I had to park bloody miles away.
970
00:54:19,320 --> 00:54:21,390
And they've dug up Old Ford Road again.
971
00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:24,712
Got the Allen key, by the way.
972
00:54:30,720 --> 00:54:32,676
No wonder I couldn't get parked.
973
00:54:39,920 --> 00:54:42,559
We could do with a couple more
girls in here, couldn't we?
974
00:54:42,640 --> 00:54:44,392
Yeah.
975
00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:46,038
Where did you park, then?
976
00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:48,031
Right outside. Got here early.
977
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:51,635
Is that your Ford Galaxy out
there, the blue one?
978
00:54:51,720 --> 00:54:53,517
- Yeah.
- What's it like? All right?
979
00:54:53,600 --> 00:54:57,115
Is's a decent motor. Feels safe,
know what I mean? For the kids, and that.
980
00:54:58,720 --> 00:55:01,518
- Is there any more beer left?
- No. Is's all gone.
981
00:55:01,600 --> 00:55:04,558
- There's wine.
- Wine? Who drink s fucking wine?
982
00:55:04,640 --> 00:55:08,519
How much longer you going to be,
mate? There's people queuing up here.
983
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:11,118
What number you got?
984
00:55:11,200 --> 00:55:12,155
5.
985
00:55:12,240 --> 00:55:14,196
Well, you're all right.
986
00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:16,111
1 1 . Is's typical.
987
00:55:26,680 --> 00:55:28,477
What have we come here for?
988
00:55:28,560 --> 00:55:32,189
This is where I met Vicky.
Is's a good night in here on a Saturday.
989
00:55:32,280 --> 00:55:34,191
But it's only quarter past one.
990
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:36,236
Is's like a trip down memory
lane for me.
991
00:55:37,760 --> 00:55:40,513
Or it would be if I could remember
anything about it.
992
00:55:40,600 --> 00:55:42,556
I'd had a few that night.
993
00:55:43,480 --> 00:55:45,948
Never going to pick up any birds
in here, mate.
994
00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:50,795
It'll be all right. We'll have a
couple of pints and then...it will pick up a bit later.
995
00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:24,236
Backing track to Come On, Eileen
996
00:56:27,280 --> 00:56:29,236
Come on, Eileen!
997
00:56:32,640 --> 00:56:36,189
These people round here
998
00:56:36,960 --> 00:56:39,235
Wear beaten-down eyes...
999
00:56:39,320 --> 00:56:41,595
..resigned to what their fate is
1000
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:44,874
My mother cried!
1001
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:46,359
No never.
1002
00:56:46,440 --> 00:56:49,318
We are far too youg and clever
Much too youg and clever
1003
00:56:49,400 --> 00:56:50,469
Come on, Eileen
1004
00:56:50,560 --> 00:56:56,829
Too-ra loo-ra, too-ra loo rye aye
1005
00:56:58,640 --> 00:57:00,073
Come on, Eileen
1006
00:57:02,560 --> 00:57:04,152
Come on, Eileen
1007
00:57:04,240 --> 00:57:05,958
I swear now, Eileen
1008
00:57:06,040 --> 00:57:08,759
At this moment Dirty!
1009
00:57:08,840 --> 00:57:10,910
You mean everything Everything
1010
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:12,672
Pretty white dress
1011
00:57:12,760 --> 00:57:14,637
Oh, you're verging on...dress
1012
00:57:14,720 --> 00:57:16,472
Oh, you're dirty!
1013
00:57:16,560 --> 00:57:19,028
Oh, come on, Eileen
1014
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:21,076
That pretty red dress.
1015
00:57:21,160 --> 00:57:22,832
Oh, I swear...
Tell me yes.
1016
00:57:22,920 --> 00:57:24,478
Oh, you're dirty
1017
00:57:25,560 --> 00:57:29,348
Oh, come on, Eileen...dirty
1018
00:57:31,840 --> 00:57:34,149
Yeah
1019
00:57:34,240 --> 00:57:37,516
The washing machine, there's still
water coming out of it.
1020
00:57:38,680 --> 00:57:41,114
Probably a...leak...
1021
00:57:41,200 --> 00:57:43,077
of some kind.
1022
00:57:43,160 --> 00:57:44,798
How have you been?
1023
00:57:44,880 --> 00:57:47,155
Great. Everything's great.
1024
00:57:48,720 --> 00:57:51,234
You know, things are really starting to...
1025
00:57:52,840 --> 00:57:54,796
They're continuing to be great
1026
00:57:54,880 --> 00:57:56,279
So er
1027
00:57:56,360 --> 00:57:58,510
You all right, then?
1028
00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:01,160
Yeah. You all right?
1029
00:58:01,240 --> 00:58:03,595
Yeah. Great.
1030
00:58:03,680 --> 00:58:06,911
Everything's...great.
1031
00:58:08,640 --> 00:58:11,791
You know, if you want me back, I
can move in straightaway.
1032
00:58:12,680 --> 00:58:14,352
Let's just leave things as they are.
1033
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:17,919
Whatever it is you want me to do,
I'll do it.
1034
00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:20,116
At Tolly's there's never anything to eat.
1035
00:58:20,200 --> 00:58:22,555
He's dirty I want to come home.
1036
00:58:23,360 --> 00:58:26,352
I don't want to live with Tolly.
I want to live with you and Katie.
1037
00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:29,039
Well, you can't.
1038
00:58:29,120 --> 00:58:30,394
Why not?
1039
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:32,436
Is's not as simple as that.
1040
00:58:33,240 --> 00:58:35,993
You know the person I feel sorry
for in all this...
1041
00:58:36,080 --> 00:58:37,593
is me.
1042
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:56,678
Hello.
1043
00:58:59,080 --> 00:59:02,117
Whatever that woman told you about
me, it's not true.
1044
00:59:02,200 --> 00:59:03,428
You stole her dog.
1045
00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:07,394
That boyfriend of hers, he's not
right in the head.
1046
00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:09,118
I never stole any dog.
1047
00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:11,156
That's...no...
1048
00:59:12,200 --> 00:59:14,031
Actually, yes, I did steal the dog,
1049
00:59:14,120 --> 00:59:17,874
but...you...can't know what I went
through with all that.
1050
00:59:17,960 --> 00:59:19,916
I've got my own dog now.
1051
00:59:20,840 --> 00:59:24,310
She messed me about rotten.
I was just trying to get my own back.
1052
00:59:25,240 --> 00:59:27,196
I know what you're thinking, but...
1053
00:59:27,280 --> 00:59:30,317
you don't know what I've been
through with that woman.
1054
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:34,475
- Come on, Spike.
- No I...I do
1055
00:59:35,640 --> 00:59:38,871
I do know what you've been through.
I know exactly how you feel.
1056
00:59:38,960 --> 00:59:40,916
Do you?
1057
00:59:42,040 --> 00:59:43,758
How do you mean?
1058
00:59:43,840 --> 00:59:47,674
He'd been seeing her for five weeks.
I didn't ever twig.
1059
00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:49,671
I just thought, "That's not right."
1060
00:59:49,760 --> 00:59:52,672
Then I found out he was taking her
to Paris for the weekend.
1061
00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:55,513
I still had the keys to his house so...
1062
00:59:55,600 --> 00:59:57,158
I went round there...
1063
00:59:58,240 --> 01:00:00,549
I went into the kitchen and I'd
got some of
1064
01:00:00,640 --> 01:00:04,155
Crystal's you know dog mess
that I'd collected in the park.
1065
01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:08,672
And before that I'd collected
quite a lot from other dogs.
1066
01:00:19,520 --> 01:00:21,431
I put some in the bienden
1067
01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:23,397
added some water and erm.
1068
01:00:27,920 --> 01:00:30,309
Colli had this high-powered waterpistol.
1069
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:32,516
And I knew it was a mad thing to do but
1070
01:00:33,560 --> 01:00:36,677
after the way he treated me I
just didn't care.
1071
01:00:36,760 --> 01:00:38,716
I just thought "Fuck him."
1072
01:00:44,640 --> 01:00:46,596
I did every room in the house.
1073
01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:49,795
That was a year ago.
You can still smell it.
1074
01:00:51,280 --> 01:00:54,590
Yeah, well, nothing smells quite
like a house full of dog shit.
1075
01:00:57,040 --> 01:00:59,873
With erm... With Ruth...
1076
01:01:01,000 --> 01:01:02,956
I told her I was a dentist.
1077
01:01:05,320 --> 01:01:07,231
Kept it up for months.
1078
01:01:07,320 --> 01:01:09,276
She thought it was great.
1079
01:01:09,360 --> 01:01:11,715
I told her I had my own dental
practice.
1080
01:01:13,280 --> 01:01:16,158
And her mam and dad were pretty
impressed as well.
1081
01:01:17,960 --> 01:01:22,670
But when she found out I worked
in the potato distributior business which is what I do
1082
01:01:22,760 --> 01:01:24,557
she went spane.
1083
01:01:24,640 --> 01:01:28,155
Called me a liar which is fair
enough I suppose,
1084
01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:31,879
A few days later she rang me up
but that was that.
1085
01:01:32,640 --> 01:01:35,791
I tried to talk to her but she
wasn't having any of it.
1086
01:01:37,760 --> 01:01:39,557
I don't care any more anyway.
1087
01:01:40,320 --> 01:01:42,231
I'm a potato man. That's what I do.
1088
01:01:44,280 --> 01:01:46,430
Doesn't make me a bad person.
1089
01:01:47,280 --> 01:01:49,316
Would you like to see my horse?
1090
01:01:58,520 --> 01:02:00,112
Phew!
1091
01:02:00,200 --> 01:02:02,077
- Well, well!
1092
01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:25,359
Your fun box has one
new message.
1093
01:02:25,440 --> 01:02:28,079
Hiya Tolly my name's
Gloria.
1094
01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:31,516
I really like your message.
You sound like you're up for a laugh.
1095
01:02:31,600 --> 01:02:34,273
Fucking yes! Yes!
1096
01:02:40,440 --> 01:02:42,431
This is very nice, Gloria, thanks
for this.
1097
01:02:42,520 --> 01:02:45,671
Good idea, get to know each other.
I haven't been to a party for ages.
1098
01:02:45,760 --> 01:02:48,274
- How come?
- Dunno. Don't get invited to any.
1099
01:02:50,200 --> 01:02:52,236
Gloria, hello! Come on in, nice to
see you!
1100
01:02:52,320 --> 01:02:54,151
Told you I'd make it!
1101
01:02:54,240 --> 01:02:56,913
- Nice to see you.
- All right, mate. Been swimming?
1102
01:02:57,000 --> 01:02:58,752
- Eh?
- Don't matter.
1103
01:02:59,720 --> 01:03:02,518
- Is this what I think it is?
- Depends. What do you think it is?
1104
01:03:02,600 --> 01:03:04,830
Is's obviously some sort of towel party.
1105
01:03:04,920 --> 01:03:06,717
Is's a sex party.
1106
01:03:06,800 --> 01:03:08,677
Fucking hell! Honestly?
1107
01:03:08,760 --> 01:03:11,558
Hey, I've heard about these.
Is's like, anything goes.
1108
01:03:11,640 --> 01:03:13,596
Is's like a big orgy. Brilliant!
1109
01:03:25,920 --> 01:03:27,876
What a sight
1110
01:03:28,920 --> 01:03:31,309
Is's got a certain style
1111
01:03:31,400 --> 01:03:33,356
Hits the spot
1112
01:03:33,440 --> 01:03:35,396
Hits it right
1113
01:03:37,160 --> 01:03:38,798
Take your chance
1114
01:03:38,880 --> 01:03:42,031
Don't miss out, it's so near
1115
01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:46,230
Grab it, now's the time, cos it's here
1116
01:03:48,280 --> 01:03:50,191
Plat du jour
1117
01:03:50,960 --> 01:03:53,474
Served right up for you
1118
01:03:53,560 --> 01:03:55,710
One tasty dish
1119
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:57,756
Is's a cure
1120
01:03:59,200 --> 01:04:01,077
Keep on track
1121
01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:04,513
And now it's right on stream
1122
01:04:04,600 --> 01:04:06,477
It'll keep you
1123
01:04:07,280 --> 01:04:09,236
Ahead of the pack
1124
01:04:10,360 --> 01:04:12,316
Don't miss out
1125
01:04:12,400 --> 01:04:14,356
How was that then?
1126
01:04:16,480 --> 01:04:18,198
Was that what you wanted?
1127
01:04:18,280 --> 01:04:20,157
Yeah, it was great, yeah. Thanks.
1128
01:04:20,960 --> 01:04:22,712
You don't sound very happy about it.
1129
01:04:22,800 --> 01:04:24,597
No, I'm just, you know.
1130
01:04:24,680 --> 01:04:28,309
- Do you want to do it some more?
- No, that was... That was it.
1131
01:04:29,360 --> 01:04:31,396
I could do with a cup of tea, actually.
1132
01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:34,396
All this jam.
1133
01:04:53,360 --> 01:04:54,918
Sleeping here now, are you?
1134
01:04:55,000 --> 01:04:55,955
Yeah
1135
01:04:57,040 --> 01:05:00,112
That chip shop -
I got my fingers burnt there, mate.
1136
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:02,589
- Did you?
- Yeah. Look.
1137
01:05:04,920 --> 01:05:07,354
Trying to get a pound coin out the
fat-fryer.
1138
01:05:07,440 --> 01:05:09,192
- Bet it hurt.
- Did.
1139
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:11,589
And I nearly got beat up by big
fat Gordon.
1140
01:05:11,680 --> 01:05:13,432
I've warned you about him.
1141
01:05:13,520 --> 01:05:15,351
He catch you with his missus, did he?
1142
01:05:15,440 --> 01:05:16,953
Yeah, something like that.
1143
01:05:17,040 --> 01:05:18,758
You want to keep a low profile.
1144
01:05:18,840 --> 01:05:21,070
I'm gonna. Anyway, have a look at this.
1145
01:05:24,920 --> 01:05:26,876
- What do you reckon?
- Oh, magic.
1146
01:05:26,960 --> 01:05:28,598
Funky moped.
1147
01:05:28,680 --> 01:05:30,318
I see what's going on here.
1148
01:05:30,400 --> 01:05:34,837
You've had enough of women for
t'time being and it's going to be you and the moped for a bit,
1149
01:05:34,920 --> 01:05:37,912
so you're... you're expressing
yourself in a different way.
1150
01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:39,956
No, mate. This is a fanny magnet.
1151
01:05:40,040 --> 01:05:42,634
I'm gonna be knee-deep in pussy
with this thing.
1152
01:05:42,720 --> 01:05:44,631
- What did it cost you?
- Nothing.
1153
01:05:44,720 --> 01:05:46,358
I borrowed it off a mate of mine.
1154
01:05:46,440 --> 01:05:48,192
I'm thinking of buying it, though.
1155
01:05:48,280 --> 01:05:49,474
You reckon I should get one?
1156
01:05:49,560 --> 01:05:51,073
- Is's up to you.
1157
01:05:51,160 --> 01:05:53,071
Give us a go, then.
1158
01:05:56,480 --> 01:05:58,436
- That's the accelerator.
- Yeah, I know.
1159
01:05:58,520 --> 01:06:00,351
- Is's nice, innit?
- Yeah.
1160
01:06:01,240 --> 01:06:02,275
Oh, fuck!
1161
01:06:02,360 --> 01:06:04,316
Dave! Dave!
1162
01:06:07,200 --> 01:06:08,553
Fuck!
1163
01:06:09,600 --> 01:06:12,273
There,
There, My Dear
1164
01:06:12,360 --> 01:06:14,920
Just say a situation occurred that
was out of your hands.
1165
01:06:15,000 --> 01:06:16,956
You know, human error.
1166
01:06:17,040 --> 01:06:18,996
Police horse sat on it. That'll do.
1167
01:06:19,080 --> 01:06:20,957
He's 24. He'll understand.
1168
01:06:21,040 --> 01:06:22,598
You should pay for the repairs.
1169
01:06:23,320 --> 01:06:24,912
Here he comes. Just act normal.
1170
01:06:26,360 --> 01:06:28,430
- All right, Ferris?
- All right, Beans.
1171
01:06:28,520 --> 01:06:31,080
So what do you think, then? You
buying my moped?
1172
01:06:31,160 --> 01:06:33,116
Erm...
1173
01:06:33,960 --> 01:06:35,712
What do you think, Dave?
1174
01:06:37,800 --> 01:06:39,631
I'm going for a piss.
1175
01:06:39,720 --> 01:06:41,995
Is's hardly done any miles.
Is's a bargain.
1176
01:06:42,760 --> 01:06:44,671
Yeah. All right, then, I'll have it.
1177
01:06:44,760 --> 01:06:47,320
Nice one, Ferris.
I'll see you later on in the week.
1178
01:06:47,400 --> 01:06:49,072
I've got to get off, I'm with Debs.
1179
01:06:49,160 --> 01:06:52,197
- Yeah, I'll settle up with you when I see you.
- Sorted.
1180
01:06:57,160 --> 01:06:59,390
Piss off, Dave. Leaving me to sort it out.
1181
01:07:00,920 --> 01:07:03,036
I want a word with you. Outside.
1182
01:07:09,960 --> 01:07:11,916
She's in the back seat.
1183
01:07:14,040 --> 01:07:15,553
You want me to give her one?
1184
01:07:15,640 --> 01:07:17,278
Yeah.
1185
01:07:17,360 --> 01:07:19,191
Where are you going to be?
1186
01:07:19,280 --> 01:07:21,236
Never you mind.
1187
01:07:22,040 --> 01:07:24,395
What you waiting for? Want some of
this? Eh?
1188
01:07:24,480 --> 01:07:26,357
Get in there.
1189
01:07:26,440 --> 01:07:28,032
Come on!
1190
01:07:32,400 --> 01:07:34,675
I'm going to have flat beer because of you.
1191
01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:39,992
If my husband finds out about us...
in the back of his car
1192
01:07:40,080 --> 01:07:42,230
doing it doggy-style,
1193
01:07:42,320 --> 01:07:44,197
he'll put me across his knee.
1194
01:07:44,280 --> 01:07:46,510
This is the last time I'm
doing this.
1195
01:07:46,600 --> 01:07:48,397
Use me. Use me.
1196
01:07:48,480 --> 01:07:50,994
- You're using me.
- Shut up, Ferris, you tart.
1197
01:07:51,080 --> 01:07:52,752
Just think of my big fat husband.
1198
01:07:52,840 --> 01:07:55,400
And what he'll do to me if he finds out.
1199
01:07:55,480 --> 01:07:58,040
My big...fat...husband.
1200
01:07:58,120 --> 01:07:59,599
Right. That's it.
1201
01:07:59,680 --> 01:08:01,113
I've had enough of this.
1202
01:08:01,200 --> 01:08:03,077
Ferris?
1203
01:08:03,160 --> 01:08:04,957
- Ferris!
1204
01:08:06,800 --> 01:08:07,755
Dave.
1205
01:08:09,280 --> 01:08:10,599
Come here!
1206
01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:16,476
What do you think you're doing?
1207
01:08:16,560 --> 01:08:18,869
Tell him, Dave.
Tell him to leave me alone.
1208
01:08:18,960 --> 01:08:20,837
This ain't nowt to do wi' me, Ferris.
1209
01:08:20,920 --> 01:08:22,353
Get back in the car, you.
1210
01:08:22,440 --> 01:08:24,078
Dave, I'm asking you to help me.
1211
01:08:24,160 --> 01:08:26,754
- What are you doing, Gordon?
- None of your business.
1212
01:08:26,840 --> 01:08:28,273
Dave!
1213
01:08:28,360 --> 01:08:30,237
What? I don't even know what's going on!
1214
01:08:30,320 --> 01:08:32,470
- Keep your mouth shut, Ferris.
- No Gordon!
1215
01:08:32,560 --> 01:08:35,358
I don't care if you beat me up,
I'm not doing this any more.
1216
01:08:35,440 --> 01:08:38,955
- We'll see about that.
- No. If I carry on doing this, stuff like this,
1217
01:08:39,040 --> 01:08:42,350
it's going to put me off sex for
life, and that's not going to happen.
1218
01:08:42,440 --> 01:08:44,635
OK? My sex life...is all I've got.
1219
01:08:44,720 --> 01:08:47,439
- I'm not doing it, Gordon.
- Yeah, you tell him, Ferris.
1220
01:08:47,520 --> 01:08:52,310
And if you've got a problem with
that, me and Dave are going to beat you up, aren't we, Dave?
1221
01:08:52,400 --> 01:08:53,958
Dave?
1222
01:08:54,040 --> 01:08:57,077
Yeah, that's right.
D-Don't mess with the potato men.
1223
01:08:57,160 --> 01:08:58,673
You're a pair of fucking idiots!
1224
01:08:58,760 --> 01:09:01,320
Yeah, well, you're locked in the
boot of your car.
1225
01:09:01,400 --> 01:09:03,311
You'd better let him out or he'll go mad.
1226
01:09:03,400 --> 01:09:04,833
Yeah, I suppose so.
1227
01:09:04,920 --> 01:09:06,876
You dickhead!
1228
01:09:06,960 --> 01:09:09,349
I opened the boot to show there's
no hard feelings!
1229
01:09:09,440 --> 01:09:11,317
Why don't you both just fuck off?
1230
01:09:11,400 --> 01:09:13,152
All right, we will!
1231
01:09:13,240 --> 01:09:15,196
Come on, Dave.
1232
01:09:20,400 --> 01:09:22,152
Gordon's bottle went, didn't it?
1233
01:09:22,240 --> 01:09:25,277
It was when you said, "Don't mess
with the potato men."
1234
01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:27,999
Yeah, I wish I hadn't said that now.
Sounds stupid.
1235
01:09:28,080 --> 01:09:30,469
You're going to have to get that
moped repaired.
1236
01:09:30,560 --> 01:09:33,870
- Yeah, I'll pay for it.
- Good. I'm still thinking of buying it.
1237
01:09:33,960 --> 01:09:36,315
Fuck it, I am going to buy it.
I'm buying a moped.
1238
01:09:36,400 --> 01:09:39,631
- Is's got a big dent in it.
- Don't care. I'm buying a moped.
1239
01:09:47,720 --> 01:09:49,676
Joan?
1240
01:09:51,040 --> 01:09:52,632
What's going on?
1241
01:09:53,720 --> 01:09:55,995
- Not you again?
- What do you want, Ferris?
1242
01:09:56,080 --> 01:09:58,036
Nothing.
1243
01:09:58,120 --> 01:09:59,951
I thought you might like to see my
moped.
1244
01:10:01,320 --> 01:10:03,754
He's got a massive cock.
1245
01:10:23,000 --> 01:10:24,956
Thank you Er.
1246
01:10:25,040 --> 01:10:27,952
Thank you. Thank s. Erm...
1247
01:10:28,040 --> 01:10:30,759
I just want to say thank s for
coming at short notice
1248
01:10:30,840 --> 01:10:34,549
to this occasion to celebrate that
me and Shelley have got engaged.
1249
01:10:37,040 --> 01:10:39,270
Erm... Is's been a whirlwind romance.
1250
01:10:39,360 --> 01:10:41,828
We're both madly in love.
1251
01:10:46,880 --> 01:10:49,553
Shelley's what I've been looking
for all my life.
1252
01:10:49,640 --> 01:10:52,279
And she's got what she's always
been looking for -
1253
01:10:52,360 --> 01:10:53,713
a potato man.
1254
01:10:57,800 --> 01:10:59,756
Seriously... Er...thank s.
1255
01:10:59,840 --> 01:11:02,115
Erm... Here's to me and Shelley.
1256
01:11:03,320 --> 01:11:04,435
Cheers.
1257
01:11:04,520 --> 01:11:07,512
There's plenty of crisps and nuts
if you er...want to er...
1258
01:11:12,920 --> 01:11:14,990
A bit of all right, that Shelley,
isn't she?
1259
01:11:15,080 --> 01:11:17,036
She keeps looking over here.
1260
01:11:18,360 --> 01:11:20,032
I think she fancies me.
1261
01:11:20,120 --> 01:11:21,599
Don't be stupid.
1262
01:11:22,320 --> 01:11:24,436
Why can't I find a nice sensible
girl like that?
1263
01:11:24,520 --> 01:11:26,715
Yeah, I know. Is's not fair, is it?
1264
01:11:27,800 --> 01:11:29,791
I'm moving my stuff into Tolly's tonight.
1265
01:11:29,880 --> 01:11:32,872
Yeah, you'll like it.
He's er... He's got a nice place.
1266
01:11:33,960 --> 01:11:36,428
Is's good timing for me, you
moving out and that.
1267
01:11:36,520 --> 01:11:38,431
I needed to move on.
1268
01:11:38,520 --> 01:11:41,318
Start a new chapter. Make a fresh start.
1269
01:11:41,400 --> 01:11:42,833
- Sleeping in the van?
- Yeah.
1270
01:11:42,920 --> 01:11:44,353
Be all right.
1271
01:11:45,800 --> 01:11:49,759
Is's only for a couple of nights,
though, cos I think I've found somewhere new.
1272
01:11:49,840 --> 01:11:52,479
Is's temporary, but it's better
than the van.
1273
01:11:52,560 --> 01:11:54,118
Where's that, then?
1274
01:11:54,200 --> 01:11:55,792
Where?
1275
01:11:57,760 --> 01:12:00,399
Bluey-green's always been my
favourite colour.
1276
01:12:01,200 --> 01:12:02,952
Is's very er...
1277
01:12:03,040 --> 01:12:04,678
Is's very nice, Joan.
1278
01:12:04,760 --> 01:12:06,637
And it's see-through.
1279
01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:10,315
Yeah, that reminds me, I'm going
to have to trim that hedge.
1280
01:12:11,240 --> 01:12:13,196
Ready for another one?
1281
01:12:13,280 --> 01:12:14,998
Not really.
1282
01:12:15,080 --> 01:12:18,834
I've really got to have a decent
break between each one or I'll injure myself.
1283
01:12:18,920 --> 01:12:20,990
I'll do a bit of crazy paving for an hour.
1284
01:12:21,080 --> 01:12:23,548
Sod, the crazy paving, I've got needs!
1285
01:12:23,640 --> 01:12:25,995
Joan, honestly, I'm drained.
1286
01:12:26,080 --> 01:12:27,991
I need to get some fresh air.
1287
01:12:28,800 --> 01:12:30,279
What about a quick shower?
1288
01:12:30,360 --> 01:12:31,713
No thanks!
1289
01:12:42,440 --> 01:12:43,873
Hello, chicken!
1290
01:12:43,960 --> 01:12:46,155
What are you doing?
1291
01:12:46,240 --> 01:12:49,550
Is's so you don't have to walk on t'grass.
Is's called crazy paving.
1292
01:12:49,640 --> 01:12:51,312
Is's funny-looking.
1293
01:12:51,400 --> 01:12:52,958
It's nice!
1294
01:12:53,800 --> 01:12:55,358
Ferris told me you were here.
1295
01:12:55,440 --> 01:12:57,476
He came rourd to see me
1296
01:12:57,560 --> 01:12:58,754
He's worried about you.
1297
01:12:58,840 --> 01:13:00,592
- Is he?
- Yeah
1298
01:13:00,680 --> 01:13:02,671
And he hates living at Tolly's place.
1299
01:13:02,760 --> 01:13:04,990
All them horrible smells...and rats.
1300
01:13:06,640 --> 01:13:08,073
He's got rats.
1301
01:13:08,160 --> 01:13:10,230
Could do with a bit of a clean-up,
that place.
1302
01:13:12,560 --> 01:13:15,028
If you come back, I'm not standing
for any nonsense.
1303
01:13:15,120 --> 01:13:16,951
I know.
1304
01:13:17,040 --> 01:13:20,316
You're a dad.
And that's what you've got to be.
1305
01:13:20,400 --> 01:13:23,073
Yeah, th-that's what I want to do.
1306
01:13:23,160 --> 01:13:24,434
And you've got to help me.
1307
01:13:24,520 --> 01:13:26,158
I will, I swear.
1308
01:13:27,240 --> 01:13:28,912
Come on, Katie.
1309
01:13:29,000 --> 01:13:30,956
We've got to go.
1310
01:13:37,400 --> 01:13:39,038
You coming?
1311
01:13:48,240 --> 01:13:50,196
Hands Up
1312
01:13:55,920 --> 01:13:57,558
Hands up! Hands up!
1313
01:14:10,880 --> 01:14:13,394
I was about 13, I think. Late starter.
1314
01:14:13,480 --> 01:14:15,118
12. I was 12.
1315
01:14:15,200 --> 01:14:18,078
What about you, Tolly? When did
you have your first wank?
1316
01:14:18,160 --> 01:14:20,116
Oh, er... Half past seven.
1317
01:14:20,920 --> 01:14:23,639
Then another one about...quarter to nine.
1318
01:14:24,360 --> 01:14:25,839
Here's your film back, mate.
1319
01:14:25,920 --> 01:14:29,674
- What's that? Lord Of The Rings?
- No, Spunk Guzzlers Drenched In Piss.
1320
01:14:29,760 --> 01:14:30,988
Cheers.
1321
01:14:31,080 --> 01:14:33,150
Porn. You can't beat it.
1322
01:14:33,240 --> 01:14:36,994
They spend millions making normal
films with special effects and that.
1323
01:14:37,080 --> 01:14:41,312
I reckon 99% of people would
rather watch hardcore porn than any other type of film.
1324
01:14:41,400 --> 01:14:45,075
I think you're right. If you were
on a desert island and could only have one film,
1325
01:14:45,160 --> 01:14:47,913
you're not going to want Return Of
The Fucking Jedi, are you?
1326
01:14:48,000 --> 01:14:49,831
You want one with a bird in it
1327
01:14:49,920 --> 01:14:52,275
with a nice juicy fanny and a big
pair of tits.
1328
01:14:52,360 --> 01:14:53,759
Is's common sense, isn't it?
1329
01:14:53,840 --> 01:14:54,955
You know what I'd like?
1330
01:14:55,040 --> 01:14:57,679
I'd like to be able to detach my
knob, take it right off,
1331
01:14:57,760 --> 01:15:00,638
then I could get both ends sucked
at once.
1332
01:15:01,840 --> 01:15:04,957
I'd like to get a giant panda,
kill it, then fuck it.
1333
01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:07,876
Why do you want to do that?
1334
01:15:07,960 --> 01:15:10,394
Dave, if you don't kill it, it's
going to bite you!
1335
01:15:10,480 --> 01:15:12,630
They, like, maul you, pandas.
1336
01:15:13,720 --> 01:15:17,395
I think it's all that
black-and-white fur and that great big arse.
1337
01:15:19,280 --> 01:15:21,191
Has anyone seen my dog?
1338
01:15:23,600 --> 01:15:25,830
Come On, Eileen
1339
01:15:47,480 --> 01:15:48,595
Come on, Eileen
1340
01:15:56,280 --> 01:15:57,474
Come on, Eileen
1341
01:16:01,520 --> 01:16:04,956
Poor old Johnny Ray
1342
01:16:05,560 --> 01:16:07,676
Sounded sad upon the radio
1343
01:16:07,760 --> 01:16:10,274
Moved a million hearts in mono
1344
01:16:10,360 --> 01:16:13,750
Our mothers cried
1345
01:16:14,240 --> 01:16:16,595
And sang along, who'd blame them?
1346
01:16:18,640 --> 01:16:20,870
You're grown You're grown up
1347
01:16:20,960 --> 01:16:22,951
So grown So grown up
1348
01:16:23,040 --> 01:16:25,270
Now I must say more than ever
1349
01:16:26,520 --> 01:16:27,475
Come or Eileen
1350
01:16:27,560 --> 01:16:33,635
Toora loora, toora loo rye aye
1351
01:16:33,720 --> 01:16:39,352
We can sing just like our fathers
1352
01:16:39,440 --> 01:16:40,919
Come on, Eileen
1353
01:16:41,000 --> 01:16:42,956
Oh, I swear Well he means
1354
01:16:43,040 --> 01:16:45,031
At this moment
1355
01:16:45,120 --> 01:16:47,395
You mean everything
1356
01:16:47,480 --> 01:16:49,198
With you in that dress
1357
01:16:49,280 --> 01:16:51,157
My thoughts I confess
1358
01:16:51,240 --> 01:16:53,231
Verge on dirty
1359
01:16:53,320 --> 01:16:55,880
Oh, come on, Eileen
1360
01:17:03,920 --> 01:17:05,319
Come on, Eileen
1361
01:17:08,920 --> 01:17:12,879
These people round here
1362
01:17:12,960 --> 01:17:15,428
Wear beaten-down eyes sunk in
smoke-dried faces
1363
01:17:15,520 --> 01:17:17,511
So resigned to what their fate is
1364
01:17:17,600 --> 01:17:19,556
But not us No never.
1365
01:17:19,640 --> 01:17:21,835
No, not us No never.
1366
01:17:21,920 --> 01:17:24,229
We are far too youg and clever
1367
01:17:25,000 --> 01:17:25,955
Remember
1368
01:17:26,040 --> 01:17:32,479
Go, toora loora, toora loo rye aye
1369
01:17:32,560 --> 01:17:38,032
Eileen, I'll hum this tune for ever
1370
01:17:38,120 --> 01:17:39,394
Come on, Eileen
1371
01:17:39,480 --> 01:17:41,596
Oh, I swear Well he means
1372
01:17:41,680 --> 01:17:46,231
Oh, come on, let's take off everything
1373
01:17:46,320 --> 01:17:47,799
That pretty red dress
1374
01:17:47,880 --> 01:17:49,791
Eileen Tell him yes
1375
01:17:49,880 --> 01:17:51,757
Oh, come on, let's
1376
01:17:51,840 --> 01:17:54,149
Oh, come on, Eileen
1377
01:17:54,240 --> 01:17:55,958
That pretty red dress
1378
01:17:56,040 --> 01:17:57,951
Eileen Tell him yes
1379
01:17:58,040 --> 01:17:59,792
Oh, come on, let's
1380
01:17:59,880 --> 01:18:04,749
Oh, come on, Eileen, please
1381
01:18:05,600 --> 01:18:09,559
Come on Eileen too loo rye aye
1382
01:18:09,920 --> 01:18:13,310
Come on Eileen too loo rye aye
1383
01:18:13,400 --> 01:18:15,197
Now you are grown Toora
1384
01:18:15,280 --> 01:18:17,589
Now you have shown Toora too
loora
1385
01:18:17,680 --> 01:18:20,797
Oh, Eileen
1386
01:18:20,880 --> 01:18:25,158
Said, you're grown Come or
Eileen too hoo rye aye
1387
01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:28,437
So grown Come on Eileen too loo
rye aye
1388
01:18:28,520 --> 01:18:31,592
Now I must say more than ever
Toora toora too loora
1389
01:18:31,680 --> 01:18:33,557
Things round here will change
1390
01:18:33,640 --> 01:18:36,518
I said, toora loora Come or
Eileen too hoo rye aye
1391
01:18:36,600 --> 01:18:39,068
Toora loo rye aye Come on
Eileen too loo rye aye
1392
01:18:39,160 --> 01:18:40,991
Toora toora too loora
1393
01:18:42,400 --> 01:18:43,913
Come on, Eileen
1394
01:18:44,000 --> 01:18:45,956
Oh, I swear Well he means
1395
01:18:46,040 --> 01:18:47,792
At this moment
1396
01:18:47,880 --> 01:18:49,871
You mean everything
1397
01:18:49,960 --> 01:18:51,632
With you in that dress
1398
01:18:51,720 --> 01:18:53,551
My thoughts I confess
1399
01:18:53,640 --> 01:18:55,392
Verge on dirty
1400
01:18:55,480 --> 01:18:58,040
Oh, come on, Eileen
1401
01:18:58,120 --> 01:18:59,678
Come on, Eileen